You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
