apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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