the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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