Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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