i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
