Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
as a side note pls kill me
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
