she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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