he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
