i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
