I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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