make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
