Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
