You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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