Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
