oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I think I just shit out all my problems.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
