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taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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