A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
