Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We just shotgunned beers for America
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
