So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
