just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
