I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
