shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
