Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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