The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
