I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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