Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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