Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
