my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
