Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
