I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just invented taco cereal.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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