I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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