So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize