ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I wear drunk well.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
