Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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