Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
