mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
