I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I am midnight drunk by noon
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
