She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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