I'm so fucking centered right now
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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