Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
