this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
