a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
