so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I have aggressive nipples.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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