He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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