More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
