i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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