youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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