im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
