I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
