I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
