My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize