I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
