Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
