Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
