Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
