i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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