he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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