So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize