I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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