You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
