i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
